It's time for a moratorium on LOL.
I get the need for snappy abbreviations--I text, I'm cool, I'm down with the kids--but come on, people: it's been years with this fucking thing. Shouldn't it have run its course? Gone the way of "neat" and "chick" and "daddy-o"? Where's the new new thing from urban dictionary.com to replace this old clunker?
Moreover, let's face it: it's a lie. Maybe--maybe--when people write it as a response, there is a chance they might actually have L'lled Out Loud at some incredibly hilarious bon mot. But when they write it after their own inane, breathtakingly unfunny comment? Really? "I need a glass of red wine. LOL." Seriously? You thought to yourself "I need a glass of red wine" and then you laughed out loud? If that's true, you really should not be drinking.
Frankly, in situations like the aforementioned, people use this because they're too lazy to say something more genuine and true. It's not "I need a glass of red wine boy that's hilarious isn't it? and aren't I a zany wag?" It's "I need a glass of wine. But don't worry (Mom), I'm not an alcoholic, I just had a crap day."
Now is that so hard?
If something is genuinely funny, there should be alternatives. (Don't even get me started on LOLs crazy, inbred cousins: LMAO, ROFL. Let's face it: if it were possible to 'laugh your ass off'--if laughing were a genuine aerobic activity--the world would be a much better--not to mention thinner--place. And the only people who Roll on the Floor Laughing are in mental hospitals.) But since there don't seem to be any spiffy new acronyms cropping up from the street to convey wit, I feel the need to take it upon myself to offer up a couple of new ideas. Just so we can retire the LOL and send it to the wherever old logisms go when they're no longer neo...
My suggestions:
JK: Just Kidding. No idea why this isn't In Common Usage. It's not particularly exciting, but at least it's fucking precise. That's what we all actually mean half the time we (and when I say "we" I mean "you") type LOL.
TIC: Tongue In Cheek. You know that works. If you require a little flourish: TPFIC: Tongue Planted Firmly In Cheek.
YMML: You Made Me Laugh. Simple. Truthful. And only one more key stroke than the dreaded LOL. (Which, when you think of it, also sounds icky in your head, doesn't it? I don't even like looking at it, cause "lol" paints an image of a gobstopper stuck in someone's throat. While "Ymml" just seems like you got a whiff of something delicious.)
IS: I Snorted. For those precious, rare times when a friend's rapier wit actually made you gag.
IKBIL: I Kid Because I Love. To make sure things aren't misinterpreted and feelings aren't inadvertently hurt; gently takes the sting out of your buckshot snark.
And of course, there's always this: Ha! An actually word. That conveys levity and enjoyment--simply, efficiently and economically.
Amazing, this English language thing we got going here.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Buy America
You know that famous Calvin Coolidge quote, "The business of the American people is business"? I've been thinking a lot about that lately, while watching the country get caught in this vile shit storm of 'town hells' and Fox news lies and our tall, lithe president apparently standing so straight because he's afraid he's misplaced his spine--all as we try to do something so seemingly morally 'right' as improve our health care system to make it more fair, accessible and effective. It shouldn't even be a question that we need changes, but the rabid right is essentially proposing that we do nothing. They're barely even admitting the status quo is flawed (one of those Fox news lies is the oft repeated mantra that we have "the best health care in the world"; in upside-downy world maybe...).
Paul Krugman (fantasy dad) reported this week that when news broke that White House was waffling on the so-called 'public option', the stock prices of the big insurance companies got nice little bumps. So it's pretty obvious where they stand; on a wad of Twenties. It's been reported they take home up to 30% of every consumer dollar in profits--which is more than the law allows casinos to bank. Your insurance company is making a tidier profit than The Flamingo. On your health. A little crazy, right? (As for all the wing nuts at those town halls? They truly do seem to be a nice, florid cross-section of stubbornly uninformed, ugly Americans. If they aren't obvious shills for the medical/health care/big pharma industries, they're surely unwitting dupes. It's embarrassing, frankly.)
So it's all about money. Cold, hard, cash. A few very wealthy, very invested businessmen who make a living off of our health--or more precisely, our illness--just don't want reform. They like their mini-mansions too much. That's pretty much it. It's not any more complicated than that. We unfortunately have a system that makes health care a commodity like anything else: toilet paper, MP3 players, flip flops. And if someone is selling you something, they want to make a profit on it. The business of America really is business, no matter what.
In trying to refute the entire notion of a public option, I've heard some Republicans (shouldn't we just start calling them Republicants, btw?) say the public option wouldn't be fair--to the insurance companies (and gosh knows, the government should be all about making things fair for corporations...). I heard California Republican congressmen John Campbell say, essentially, "Why should there be a government run option for health care to provide competition? The government doesn't make furniture or shoes to give those industries competition." This argument is so specious and despicable it's almost impossible to debate. The man is equating chairs with health care. Saying that since the government doesn't provide us inexpensive, non-profit La-z-boys it shouldn't provide us inexpensive, non-profit life-saving heart surgery. Lovely.
With that kind of thinking it feels like you have to take a beat, triangulate, try to reason; there's a crazy person in the house, take some deep breaths and back away. But I think we should be doing the opposite: Going Big or Going Home. I actually think the fact that there's even an issue about the government being involved in this at all is the problem. Maybe we're tip-toeing around a bigger concept here. I mean, what is the basic function of the government? To take care of its citizenry, yes? The right wing is all about defense and security. Why? If not about just proving they have bigger balls (and admittedly, it might be), then it's ostensibly to stop other people from killing us. If we can spend seemingly unlimited amounts of money making sure that some foreign entity doesn't invade and start slaughtering us, why shouldn't we spend money making sure that diseases don't invade and start slaughtering us? In fact, in some ways we do: everyone is all too happy to have the CDC whipping up batches of swine flu vaccine--to protect the citizenry. Isn't that what health care should be? Protecting the citizenry from unnecessary death or preventable suffering?
I understand that Obama wanted to get what he could, start with something that seemed doable and non-threatening to the entrenched interests, maybe work reform incrementally. But as the wacky right distorts and lies and screams and froths at the mouth, filled with misinformation and free-floating rage, I have to think the moral argument wasn't big or compelling enough. If they're this upset now? Maybe we should have just asked the big questions and shot the big wad. Maybe we shouldn't be arguing fine points about how to enable everyone to afford health insurance. Maybe we should be arguing about why health insurance even exists.
Why shouldn't health care fall into the same category that other 'essential' services? The government (whether national or local) makes sure we have police and fire departments, clean water, safe medications, salmonella-free food...so why shouldn't it make sure we don't die of an undiagnosed tumor or untreated diabetes? To my way of thinking, making health care something we have to 'negotiate' for in the 'marketplace' is positively perverse. If your house is on fire, do you have to 'shop around' for the cheapest engine company? Do you get a better price on your tap water than your neighbor does because you work for a big corporation and she's self- employed? Do you have to find a nice 'plan' to buy into just in case you ever need to call a cop? Can you imagine? "I couldn't afford police insurance, so when someone was breaking into my house I just waited it out in the bathroom and hoped for the best."
Of course, the fact is we all do buy into such a plan: by paying our taxes. So yes, I am in fact suggesting that health care be covered by our taxes. Crazy talk, I know. Positively Socialist! But let's be honest here; we have 'socialist' systems already--taxes we all pay to provide essential services for the public good. So why are we are we drawing the line at health care, pretty much the most 'essential service' of all? (If you don't have your health...) Maybe Obama should just say: Sure, fine. I'm a Socialist. Unless you live in the woods, off the grid, and eat bark, you kind of are too. If you drove to this here town meetin' on a public road, you're just as much of a pinko as I am. So just sit down, open up and say, "Ahh".
Paul Krugman (fantasy dad) reported this week that when news broke that White House was waffling on the so-called 'public option', the stock prices of the big insurance companies got nice little bumps. So it's pretty obvious where they stand; on a wad of Twenties. It's been reported they take home up to 30% of every consumer dollar in profits--which is more than the law allows casinos to bank. Your insurance company is making a tidier profit than The Flamingo. On your health. A little crazy, right? (As for all the wing nuts at those town halls? They truly do seem to be a nice, florid cross-section of stubbornly uninformed, ugly Americans. If they aren't obvious shills for the medical/health care/big pharma industries, they're surely unwitting dupes. It's embarrassing, frankly.)
So it's all about money. Cold, hard, cash. A few very wealthy, very invested businessmen who make a living off of our health--or more precisely, our illness--just don't want reform. They like their mini-mansions too much. That's pretty much it. It's not any more complicated than that. We unfortunately have a system that makes health care a commodity like anything else: toilet paper, MP3 players, flip flops. And if someone is selling you something, they want to make a profit on it. The business of America really is business, no matter what.
In trying to refute the entire notion of a public option, I've heard some Republicans (shouldn't we just start calling them Republicants, btw?) say the public option wouldn't be fair--to the insurance companies (and gosh knows, the government should be all about making things fair for corporations...). I heard California Republican congressmen John Campbell say, essentially, "Why should there be a government run option for health care to provide competition? The government doesn't make furniture or shoes to give those industries competition." This argument is so specious and despicable it's almost impossible to debate. The man is equating chairs with health care. Saying that since the government doesn't provide us inexpensive, non-profit La-z-boys it shouldn't provide us inexpensive, non-profit life-saving heart surgery. Lovely.
With that kind of thinking it feels like you have to take a beat, triangulate, try to reason; there's a crazy person in the house, take some deep breaths and back away. But I think we should be doing the opposite: Going Big or Going Home. I actually think the fact that there's even an issue about the government being involved in this at all is the problem. Maybe we're tip-toeing around a bigger concept here. I mean, what is the basic function of the government? To take care of its citizenry, yes? The right wing is all about defense and security. Why? If not about just proving they have bigger balls (and admittedly, it might be), then it's ostensibly to stop other people from killing us. If we can spend seemingly unlimited amounts of money making sure that some foreign entity doesn't invade and start slaughtering us, why shouldn't we spend money making sure that diseases don't invade and start slaughtering us? In fact, in some ways we do: everyone is all too happy to have the CDC whipping up batches of swine flu vaccine--to protect the citizenry. Isn't that what health care should be? Protecting the citizenry from unnecessary death or preventable suffering?
I understand that Obama wanted to get what he could, start with something that seemed doable and non-threatening to the entrenched interests, maybe work reform incrementally. But as the wacky right distorts and lies and screams and froths at the mouth, filled with misinformation and free-floating rage, I have to think the moral argument wasn't big or compelling enough. If they're this upset now? Maybe we should have just asked the big questions and shot the big wad. Maybe we shouldn't be arguing fine points about how to enable everyone to afford health insurance. Maybe we should be arguing about why health insurance even exists.
Why shouldn't health care fall into the same category that other 'essential' services? The government (whether national or local) makes sure we have police and fire departments, clean water, safe medications, salmonella-free food...so why shouldn't it make sure we don't die of an undiagnosed tumor or untreated diabetes? To my way of thinking, making health care something we have to 'negotiate' for in the 'marketplace' is positively perverse. If your house is on fire, do you have to 'shop around' for the cheapest engine company? Do you get a better price on your tap water than your neighbor does because you work for a big corporation and she's self- employed? Do you have to find a nice 'plan' to buy into just in case you ever need to call a cop? Can you imagine? "I couldn't afford police insurance, so when someone was breaking into my house I just waited it out in the bathroom and hoped for the best."
Of course, the fact is we all do buy into such a plan: by paying our taxes. So yes, I am in fact suggesting that health care be covered by our taxes. Crazy talk, I know. Positively Socialist! But let's be honest here; we have 'socialist' systems already--taxes we all pay to provide essential services for the public good. So why are we are we drawing the line at health care, pretty much the most 'essential service' of all? (If you don't have your health...) Maybe Obama should just say: Sure, fine. I'm a Socialist. Unless you live in the woods, off the grid, and eat bark, you kind of are too. If you drove to this here town meetin' on a public road, you're just as much of a pinko as I am. So just sit down, open up and say, "Ahh".
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
A Poem
Once every year or two a poem comes to me. Sometimes on a hike, sometimes driving, sometimes when my head hits the pillow. Until now, I have written them down, stuffed them in drawers and forgotten about them. But now I have a blog, so I can share my flashes of poesy with the world.
Or, you know, you three.
Sleeping With The Animals
Zoey
sleeps curled in the Vee of my knees,
tiny twitching, dreaming
girly dreams of dainty things
like pretty clothes and fangs.
Gus
slumbers beside me,
his fur soft as a doyenne's stole,
snores cutting the night
like a serrated knife, trying in vain
to carve a coconut. But
Eddie
lies on the floor,
my sleeping dog prince,
silent, stately, his heavy head cradled
by his sizable paws.
Dreaming of more ways to be
inscrutable.
Or, you know, you three.
Sleeping With The Animals
Zoey
sleeps curled in the Vee of my knees,
tiny twitching, dreaming
girly dreams of dainty things
like pretty clothes and fangs.
Gus
slumbers beside me,
his fur soft as a doyenne's stole,
snores cutting the night
like a serrated knife, trying in vain
to carve a coconut. But
Eddie
lies on the floor,
my sleeping dog prince,
silent, stately, his heavy head cradled
by his sizable paws.
Dreaming of more ways to be
inscrutable.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
How Are You? (Don't Answer That.)
Here's one thing you should know: I love Facebook. I am a True Believer in Facebook. I am to Facebook what 13-year-old girls are to Twilight. I am to Facebook what single man-boys are to Guitar Hero. I check it constantly. I love seeing what my FB peeps are up to. I think reconnecting with old friends is actually a good thing--kept, as it is, at a nice, comfy, digital remove. I adore the faux Scrabble. I totally dig knowing what cousins 20 years my junior are thinking. (Like to keep up with 'the kids'.) I utterly enjoyed following a friend's trip in virtual real time as she uploaded her pictures onto FB daily.
In fact, I think Facebook is a brilliant invention, one of the few that does exactly what it was designed to do, and does it well. It has not--as of yet--become a bastardized version of itself, tweaked by its own success and mutated by its own users into Something Else. (The way MySpace, for instance, started as a promotional site for bands but turned into, apparently, Facebook 1.0. The way Craig's List began as a nice, shared cyber-bulletin board for finding roommates and used bicycles but metastasized into a marketplace for white slavers and serial killers.) Facebook--despite growing pains and terms of usage scandals and awkward new page lay-outs--seems to still do what it promised it would do: create and maintain an Internet community.
And I love the status update. I'm probably, truth be told, a status update abuser. Particularly with the old layout, where your status update hovered atop your 'home page' forever? I changed that thing constantly. I changed that thing when the wind blew weird, when the dog belched, when Keith Olbermann expressed righteous indignation. Any little, silly thing or oh-so-clever solipsistic thought that flew into my addled brain made it into that rectangular box.
But there is status update abuse and there is Status Update Abuse. Some of you people need to back away from the laptop. Stop. It. Really. The complaining, the bragging, the blah blah blah. If it's not at least a little witty, informative, interesting, day brightening...I'm gonna say it. I don't think we care.
But there they are anyway: The Complainers. I can mock them because: I am them. I complain on my status update like lucky people poop: every day.
I have a headache.
I still have a headache.
Headache: Day Three. (This is fun stuff, right?)
I try to make them somewhat informative (Don't park on Highland after 3; you'll get towed just like I did). Or even better, a little entertaining (3am, the cat's snoring like Ernest Borgnine after a Baja bender.) But I can't lie. Bottom line, I'm just a grouch.
Nevertheless, I pale--pale--in comparison to the major league Complainers. These are some serious, professional, don't even, Complainers. Their complaints are intimate, sad, shocking, depressing, graphic. About planes missed and babies up-chucking and mothers dying and illnesses caught. All on Facebook. Where people know you just wrote that. Obviously, everyone's entitled to bitch. I'm bitching right now. But folks: that shit just makes me feel bad. And honestly, I feel bad enough already. Can you dial it back, just a bit?
Then there are The Braggers. Now, honestly, I just feel bad for the Complainers. The Braggers are the ones I loathe. You got the all out, swaggering tools: "Trying to decide between the Land Rover and the Land Cruiser." Really? Instead, how about trying to decide whether your kids get asthma or cancer from the belching fumes you're going to spew into the air so you can drive around in a pimped out station wagon pretending you're taller than you are? How about trying to decide whether you're an asshole or a douchebag. What's that you say? Oh, right: both.
Then you have your 'passy-aggressy' "I'm-gonna-say-something-mildly-curious-to-get-you-to-ask-me-what's-up!" braggers. Like this beaut: "First day of work jitters!" Oh, Lordy, now we have to ask: New job? Where? Good for you! Then they answer and it's all so, "Well, I don't want to brag, but...". And then of course they do brag (I mean, you asked!). I just want to channel Aaron Altman: Keep it to yourself.
Then there are the STOs. State The Obvious. Anyone who has ever written as their status update "TGIF!" needs to be forced to eat at TGIFs. And not just on Fridays. If whatever you're thinking seems like something a 3rd grade teacher might write on a sheet of oak tag, you know, maybe you don't need to share that with your 164 friends. If whatever you're thinking isn't even a little specific, a little fresh, a little goddamn interesting: no need to write it down and make me read it, mmkay? Just, well, try a little harder. Please?
Personally, I wish everyone would just aspire to my favorite status update category: The Quippers. Cause that's what a status update should be, right? Droll, pithy little comment. The news of the day's bon mot. A laugh, a smile for your Facebook community. A quip. I must confess, this is the group I would choose to live in if I could choose. Unfortunately, the funny chooses you. So though I try, mostly I leave it to Richard. (He knows who he is.)
This is a theory I have about the Internet; it's not only the greatest communication and information and connectivity device of all time. It's also a magnifier. It not only gives us more, it allows us to be more. More informed, more connected; yes, fabulous, love it. But also more crazy, more neurotic, more paranoid, more creepy. Thirty years ago someone who might have liked the occasional bit of porn actually had to leave their house and face a shopkeeper and buy it. Now: that person can fill their hard drive (no pun intended) with so much porn they never have to leave the house. Ever. Icky. A fan of Joseph Cotton circa 1943 might have bought copies of Photoplay and Modern Screen and cut out pictures and articles of Joe and glued them into a scrapbook. Harmless. Today, there are multiple Zac Efron fan sites. Whole websites. Built by fans. In their free time. Just...for the love of Zac Efron. Creepy. In 1989 some guy spent too much time driving back and forth in front of his girlfriend's house; now he can download her credit report. Actionable.
Facebook Status Updates can be a little like that. Just too much. A passing, casual comment shared at a party or in an elevator would be promptly forgotten. Now, as a Status Update, that comment is magnified and takes on so much--too much--meaning. It's posted, people. Posted. Think about that. Would you write that thought on an index card and pin it to your jacket? And wear it around all day? Probs not, I'm thinking. So just...have a little discretion, okay? Think twice before you post. Cause if it's just complaining, or saying something we all know, or bragging for the sake of bragging? Yeah, you might get some positive reinforcement. A comment on your comment. Maybe the old thumbs up. Probably nothing at all. But what if the people reading that comment sneer in the privacy of their homes/offices/cubicles? And people who previously might have found you mildly irritating? Don't look now: they just unfriended you. See? Magnified.
In fact, I think Facebook is a brilliant invention, one of the few that does exactly what it was designed to do, and does it well. It has not--as of yet--become a bastardized version of itself, tweaked by its own success and mutated by its own users into Something Else. (The way MySpace, for instance, started as a promotional site for bands but turned into, apparently, Facebook 1.0. The way Craig's List began as a nice, shared cyber-bulletin board for finding roommates and used bicycles but metastasized into a marketplace for white slavers and serial killers.) Facebook--despite growing pains and terms of usage scandals and awkward new page lay-outs--seems to still do what it promised it would do: create and maintain an Internet community.
And I love the status update. I'm probably, truth be told, a status update abuser. Particularly with the old layout, where your status update hovered atop your 'home page' forever? I changed that thing constantly. I changed that thing when the wind blew weird, when the dog belched, when Keith Olbermann expressed righteous indignation. Any little, silly thing or oh-so-clever solipsistic thought that flew into my addled brain made it into that rectangular box.
But there is status update abuse and there is Status Update Abuse. Some of you people need to back away from the laptop. Stop. It. Really. The complaining, the bragging, the blah blah blah. If it's not at least a little witty, informative, interesting, day brightening...I'm gonna say it. I don't think we care.
But there they are anyway: The Complainers. I can mock them because: I am them. I complain on my status update like lucky people poop: every day.
I have a headache.
I still have a headache.
Headache: Day Three. (This is fun stuff, right?)
I try to make them somewhat informative (Don't park on Highland after 3; you'll get towed just like I did). Or even better, a little entertaining (3am, the cat's snoring like Ernest Borgnine after a Baja bender.) But I can't lie. Bottom line, I'm just a grouch.
Nevertheless, I pale--pale--in comparison to the major league Complainers. These are some serious, professional, don't even, Complainers. Their complaints are intimate, sad, shocking, depressing, graphic. About planes missed and babies up-chucking and mothers dying and illnesses caught. All on Facebook. Where people know you just wrote that. Obviously, everyone's entitled to bitch. I'm bitching right now. But folks: that shit just makes me feel bad. And honestly, I feel bad enough already. Can you dial it back, just a bit?
Then there are The Braggers. Now, honestly, I just feel bad for the Complainers. The Braggers are the ones I loathe. You got the all out, swaggering tools: "Trying to decide between the Land Rover and the Land Cruiser." Really? Instead, how about trying to decide whether your kids get asthma or cancer from the belching fumes you're going to spew into the air so you can drive around in a pimped out station wagon pretending you're taller than you are? How about trying to decide whether you're an asshole or a douchebag. What's that you say? Oh, right: both.
Then you have your 'passy-aggressy' "I'm-gonna-say-something-mildly-curious-to-get-you-to-ask-me-what's-up!" braggers. Like this beaut: "First day of work jitters!" Oh, Lordy, now we have to ask: New job? Where? Good for you! Then they answer and it's all so, "Well, I don't want to brag, but...". And then of course they do brag (I mean, you asked!). I just want to channel Aaron Altman: Keep it to yourself.
Then there are the STOs. State The Obvious. Anyone who has ever written as their status update "TGIF!" needs to be forced to eat at TGIFs. And not just on Fridays. If whatever you're thinking seems like something a 3rd grade teacher might write on a sheet of oak tag, you know, maybe you don't need to share that with your 164 friends. If whatever you're thinking isn't even a little specific, a little fresh, a little goddamn interesting: no need to write it down and make me read it, mmkay? Just, well, try a little harder. Please?
Personally, I wish everyone would just aspire to my favorite status update category: The Quippers. Cause that's what a status update should be, right? Droll, pithy little comment. The news of the day's bon mot. A laugh, a smile for your Facebook community. A quip. I must confess, this is the group I would choose to live in if I could choose. Unfortunately, the funny chooses you. So though I try, mostly I leave it to Richard. (He knows who he is.)
This is a theory I have about the Internet; it's not only the greatest communication and information and connectivity device of all time. It's also a magnifier. It not only gives us more, it allows us to be more. More informed, more connected; yes, fabulous, love it. But also more crazy, more neurotic, more paranoid, more creepy. Thirty years ago someone who might have liked the occasional bit of porn actually had to leave their house and face a shopkeeper and buy it. Now: that person can fill their hard drive (no pun intended) with so much porn they never have to leave the house. Ever. Icky. A fan of Joseph Cotton circa 1943 might have bought copies of Photoplay and Modern Screen and cut out pictures and articles of Joe and glued them into a scrapbook. Harmless. Today, there are multiple Zac Efron fan sites. Whole websites. Built by fans. In their free time. Just...for the love of Zac Efron. Creepy. In 1989 some guy spent too much time driving back and forth in front of his girlfriend's house; now he can download her credit report. Actionable.
Facebook Status Updates can be a little like that. Just too much. A passing, casual comment shared at a party or in an elevator would be promptly forgotten. Now, as a Status Update, that comment is magnified and takes on so much--too much--meaning. It's posted, people. Posted. Think about that. Would you write that thought on an index card and pin it to your jacket? And wear it around all day? Probs not, I'm thinking. So just...have a little discretion, okay? Think twice before you post. Cause if it's just complaining, or saying something we all know, or bragging for the sake of bragging? Yeah, you might get some positive reinforcement. A comment on your comment. Maybe the old thumbs up. Probably nothing at all. But what if the people reading that comment sneer in the privacy of their homes/offices/cubicles? And people who previously might have found you mildly irritating? Don't look now: they just unfriended you. See? Magnified.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Paper Cut
Oh, the "Fempire". A tiny, exclusive, moneyed emirate, perched in the hills, where its denizens can look down on the hoi polloi toiling below in the flat lands. Kind of like Andorra, but with yoga mats.
Apparently--thank goodness--I'm not the only one who found the article in yesterday's New York Times a bracing antidote to any germs of self-worth that might have been metastasizing inside me. Well done, New York Times and (journalist) Deborah Schoeneman! Good job Dana Fox, Diablo Cody, Liz Meriwether and Lorene Scafaria! Now I hate myself even more than I did before! I know that wasn't your intention (well, I'm pretty sure), but what a great side effect. Just sit down with these groovy galpals in Hollywood, talk about their dogs and their matching bespoke necklaces, and their Hollywood Hills homes, and their limousine rides to their movie premieres...and bingo: less successful writers everywhere start Googling, "suicide, techniques".
Of course, these women are allowed to be successful. My evolved, logical side knows that as far as female genes behind the cameras in Hollywood goes, the more the better. But my reptilian brain is toggling between wanting to go all Collyer brothers and never leave my house again and considering sneaky ways to give all four of them scabies. I think it's the "entourage" part of it all. As irritating as Diablo Cody is on her own (when oh when will everyone realize this "femperor" has no clothes?) I could just cast her aside as another annoying anomaly. But grouped together like this, these chicks--I'm sorry--are just hateful. And they did the grouping themselves, so it's not old Deborah Schoeneman's fault. Naming their little clique? Last girls I knew who christened their posse were the "Flagpole Girls". In elementary school. And all the inside crap and smutty gifts and liturgy...let's face it: as hip as these chicks are, this is just a sorority with better lodgings. And I freaking hate sororities. For all the high minded reasons. But also because they'd never ask me to join.
Maybe if "Fempire" were men. Maybe if they were novelists. Maybe if they lived in Portland. Anything to separate these babes in Hollywoodland from my experiences. Anything except their ability to "command seven figures" for their star-laden scripts, that is.
I know you're not supposed to compare yourself to other people. We're all valuable in our own right, blah blah blah. But I just can't help it. Horrible confession: I'm a jealous, vicious bitch. There, I said it. Any time I hear about anyone that's in any way bumping into the bubble that is My Life, I do an elaborate compare/contrast to try to make myself feel better. For instance: High School Nemesis is married with children. Ah, but she lives in Ohio and is a dentist. I am the glamour girl in L.A. I have hugged Hugh Jackman! I have had dinner with Jon Hamm! Whew. Potential self-flagellation averted. Some part of me is better. I can carry on.
But lately, sadly, this has been getting harder and harder to do. People I know--actually know--are successful (in my field), are in happy relationships, have nice homes, aren't recovering alcoholics, etc. etc. I can't find a slow leak in their bubble that makes my bubble look bigger and shinier and...bubblier. This has been my horrifying realization: at a certain point, you're no longer a Late Bloomer. You're just a Loser. And that's when paeans to younger, prettier, more successful people hanging around together doing your exact job in the New York Times can really, really, well...hurt. So that's the real thought for today: Ouch.
Apparently--thank goodness--I'm not the only one who found the article in yesterday's New York Times a bracing antidote to any germs of self-worth that might have been metastasizing inside me. Well done, New York Times and (journalist) Deborah Schoeneman! Good job Dana Fox, Diablo Cody, Liz Meriwether and Lorene Scafaria! Now I hate myself even more than I did before! I know that wasn't your intention (well, I'm pretty sure), but what a great side effect. Just sit down with these groovy galpals in Hollywood, talk about their dogs and their matching bespoke necklaces, and their Hollywood Hills homes, and their limousine rides to their movie premieres...and bingo: less successful writers everywhere start Googling, "suicide, techniques".
Of course, these women are allowed to be successful. My evolved, logical side knows that as far as female genes behind the cameras in Hollywood goes, the more the better. But my reptilian brain is toggling between wanting to go all Collyer brothers and never leave my house again and considering sneaky ways to give all four of them scabies. I think it's the "entourage" part of it all. As irritating as Diablo Cody is on her own (when oh when will everyone realize this "femperor" has no clothes?) I could just cast her aside as another annoying anomaly. But grouped together like this, these chicks--I'm sorry--are just hateful. And they did the grouping themselves, so it's not old Deborah Schoeneman's fault. Naming their little clique? Last girls I knew who christened their posse were the "Flagpole Girls". In elementary school. And all the inside crap and smutty gifts and liturgy...let's face it: as hip as these chicks are, this is just a sorority with better lodgings. And I freaking hate sororities. For all the high minded reasons. But also because they'd never ask me to join.
Maybe if "Fempire" were men. Maybe if they were novelists. Maybe if they lived in Portland. Anything to separate these babes in Hollywoodland from my experiences. Anything except their ability to "command seven figures" for their star-laden scripts, that is.
I know you're not supposed to compare yourself to other people. We're all valuable in our own right, blah blah blah. But I just can't help it. Horrible confession: I'm a jealous, vicious bitch. There, I said it. Any time I hear about anyone that's in any way bumping into the bubble that is My Life, I do an elaborate compare/contrast to try to make myself feel better. For instance: High School Nemesis is married with children. Ah, but she lives in Ohio and is a dentist. I am the glamour girl in L.A. I have hugged Hugh Jackman! I have had dinner with Jon Hamm! Whew. Potential self-flagellation averted. Some part of me is better. I can carry on.
But lately, sadly, this has been getting harder and harder to do. People I know--actually know--are successful (in my field), are in happy relationships, have nice homes, aren't recovering alcoholics, etc. etc. I can't find a slow leak in their bubble that makes my bubble look bigger and shinier and...bubblier. This has been my horrifying realization: at a certain point, you're no longer a Late Bloomer. You're just a Loser. And that's when paeans to younger, prettier, more successful people hanging around together doing your exact job in the New York Times can really, really, well...hurt. So that's the real thought for today: Ouch.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Invisible Stuff
Warning to people of faith: The following will offend you. Sorry. (Sort of.)
I finally tucked in the other night and watched Religulous, Bill Maher's scathing look at organized religion; it was well worth the 3.99 on pay-per-view. And then I read Frank Rich's column in the Sunday Times, in which he commented--hopefully--on the waning of the Religious Way of American Life; there are more people claiming 'no religious affiliation' than ever before. Nevertheless, we're still a nation of remarkably faithful church/temple/mosque/yoga yurt-goers. Much more so than other industrialized nations.
What the hell is with us? Maher incisively and hilariously skewers all the silliness of believing in some giant, invisible, all powerful "sky-man" (as John Oliver cheekily put it on The Daily Show) who has the time to manipulate the outcome of football games but leaves Darfur littered with corpses. Not to mention the general absurdity of the bible ("a talking snake? really?"). And the insanity (okay: stupidity) of taking said book literally. With a few clever montages and some bracing on-screen factoids, the movie limns all the hypocrisy, all the flimsy justification, all the general wackjob-itude of believing whole-heartedly in these thousand year old fairy tales. I mean, really: no one believes Rumpelstiltskin spun gold from straw, so why do people believe a Jewish carpenter turned water into wine?
But here's the thing: seems to me religion--sadly--isn't the only farcical, invisible thing we've decided to believe in. The "faith" we put in things we can't see or touch or smell or quantify in any way at all is rampant. I think we've been caught--for a while now (eight years? maaybee...)--in a kind of collective, willful ignorance. We've been having a hoe-down and doing a dumb, happy dance to a tune we can't even hear.
For people with anti-biotics and computers and statistics we believe in a lot of invisible stuff. We put our faith in invisible stuff. We get unbridled joy and a feeling of safety and entertainment value and sense of import and urgency out of Invisible Stuff. Like, for instance, just for starters:
--God, natch
--Money in your 401(k)
--Love and/or "a real connection" on any dating reality show
--All sorts of Byzantine financial transactions that don't make sense to anyone
--WMD
--The value of your house
--Anti-oxidants
--Anything that 'reduces the look of fine lines and wrinkles'
--That Patrick Dempsey's hair just looks that way
What do we get out of all this? Ever-lasting childhood, that's what. We're not just chumps, we're children, living out not even an extended adolescence (fuck, adolescents do nothing but question the status quo; I wish we were adolescents) but an extended toddler-hood. We are actually slobbering, sticky three-year-olds who believe anything someone taller, older, cooler, richer, prettier or On TV tells us to believe. Regardless of fact, regardless of evidence. We might as well assume we'll get rich by putting errant teeth under our pillows.
Maher ends his movie by saying, among other things: Grow up. And despite the fact that most of the time I feel like a 12 year old weepily singling along to Janis Ian songs, I've got to agree. Maybe it's time we stopped believing in voodoo and magic in place of science, and smoke and mirrors light shows in the place of actual balances in actual brick and mortar banks. It's time we stopped think 'reality shows' are really...real. It's time we looked at something like the cold hard truth and lived our lives and fashioned our economy and developed products based on fact and empirical evidence, instead of wisps of pretty twinkling lights. It might not be fun, it might not be comforting, it might not be easy. But at least it'll be grown-up. At least it'll be real. Cause here's the thing about invisible stuff; when you need it most, it might turn out not to just be invisible. It might turn out to be non-existent.
I finally tucked in the other night and watched Religulous, Bill Maher's scathing look at organized religion; it was well worth the 3.99 on pay-per-view. And then I read Frank Rich's column in the Sunday Times, in which he commented--hopefully--on the waning of the Religious Way of American Life; there are more people claiming 'no religious affiliation' than ever before. Nevertheless, we're still a nation of remarkably faithful church/temple/mosque/yoga yurt-goers. Much more so than other industrialized nations.
What the hell is with us? Maher incisively and hilariously skewers all the silliness of believing in some giant, invisible, all powerful "sky-man" (as John Oliver cheekily put it on The Daily Show) who has the time to manipulate the outcome of football games but leaves Darfur littered with corpses. Not to mention the general absurdity of the bible ("a talking snake? really?"). And the insanity (okay: stupidity) of taking said book literally. With a few clever montages and some bracing on-screen factoids, the movie limns all the hypocrisy, all the flimsy justification, all the general wackjob-itude of believing whole-heartedly in these thousand year old fairy tales. I mean, really: no one believes Rumpelstiltskin spun gold from straw, so why do people believe a Jewish carpenter turned water into wine?
But here's the thing: seems to me religion--sadly--isn't the only farcical, invisible thing we've decided to believe in. The "faith" we put in things we can't see or touch or smell or quantify in any way at all is rampant. I think we've been caught--for a while now (eight years? maaybee...)--in a kind of collective, willful ignorance. We've been having a hoe-down and doing a dumb, happy dance to a tune we can't even hear.
For people with anti-biotics and computers and statistics we believe in a lot of invisible stuff. We put our faith in invisible stuff. We get unbridled joy and a feeling of safety and entertainment value and sense of import and urgency out of Invisible Stuff. Like, for instance, just for starters:
--God, natch
--Money in your 401(k)
--Love and/or "a real connection" on any dating reality show
--All sorts of Byzantine financial transactions that don't make sense to anyone
--WMD
--The value of your house
--Anti-oxidants
--Anything that 'reduces the look of fine lines and wrinkles'
--That Patrick Dempsey's hair just looks that way
What do we get out of all this? Ever-lasting childhood, that's what. We're not just chumps, we're children, living out not even an extended adolescence (fuck, adolescents do nothing but question the status quo; I wish we were adolescents) but an extended toddler-hood. We are actually slobbering, sticky three-year-olds who believe anything someone taller, older, cooler, richer, prettier or On TV tells us to believe. Regardless of fact, regardless of evidence. We might as well assume we'll get rich by putting errant teeth under our pillows.
Maher ends his movie by saying, among other things: Grow up. And despite the fact that most of the time I feel like a 12 year old weepily singling along to Janis Ian songs, I've got to agree. Maybe it's time we stopped believing in voodoo and magic in place of science, and smoke and mirrors light shows in the place of actual balances in actual brick and mortar banks. It's time we stopped think 'reality shows' are really...real. It's time we looked at something like the cold hard truth and lived our lives and fashioned our economy and developed products based on fact and empirical evidence, instead of wisps of pretty twinkling lights. It might not be fun, it might not be comforting, it might not be easy. But at least it'll be grown-up. At least it'll be real. Cause here's the thing about invisible stuff; when you need it most, it might turn out not to just be invisible. It might turn out to be non-existent.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Poof
There was money. And then there wasn't. Simple as that. There was this nice number; not a huge number, not a rich person's number, but a number that I could use, that could help me out, that could make things easier. Right there, in my bank account. A surprise, yes, but not impossible in the fickle business in which I work. Money comes in dribs and drabs, sometimes when you expect it, sometimes not. So it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility. And after making a couple of phone calls to check it out, it seemed more than possible. It seemed probable.
But then: poof. Adios. Gonzo. A computer blip. Human error. Bank mistake. The having it, not the not having it. It was never mine to begin with. A fantasy. A chimera. A cruel joke.
And boom: I got an up close and personal experience with this, our second Great Depression. There was money. And then there wasn't.
That's pretty much it, right? The Dow is at 14,000+, then it's below 7,000. Where did it go? Citibank is worth 60something a share, then it's worth less than a biggie pack of Orbit White Bubblemint. Say what now? Investors have millions with Bernie Madoff and then they're paupers. Howzzat? And just like my 'phantom money' (that's what I call it; the phantom money) this is my belief: it was never there to begin with. We all acted like it was there, we felt cozy and comfortable like it was there, we spent like it was there, but it never was. The "money" we thought we "had" was just a bunch of black slashes on a white computer screen.
Look: Donkey. <-- That is not a real donkey. That is just some black slashes on a computer screen that looks like 'donkey' and makes you think 'donkey' but it is not actually a donkey.
Now, I'm a fantasist; I admit it. For the few days I (thought I) had that money, my life was swell. I exhaled. I actually felt a sense of calm descend, an unexpected smile curl the corners of my mouth. I even toasted with friends. I thought I was about to live a life (relatively) free of stress and worry and bizarre nightmares of becoming a crazy homeless woman living under the 405. I actually imagined...buying things. Books from the bookstore and not the 'used' section of Amazon. Getting a facial. A cloud of equanimity even settled over me, in place of my worst fears: if my computer continues chipping off little pieces of itself and finally there's nothing left but the F9 key, my life won't be over. The new 17inch environmentally friendly Mac will be mine.
But that's me. I make shit up for a (sporadic) living and I'm afraid of math. But can everyone in the country be fantasists? Can our entire economic system be an illusion? Can all those smart young best and brightest master of the universe Turk-types on Wall Street be delusional or liars--or both? Apparently, yes. We all believed. We believed in "Zero interest for one year!" on over-stuffed sectionals from LivingSpaces. We believed in "You've been pre-approved!". We believed in "No money down mortgages". No money down mortgages. Didn't anybody think, "Um...that...can't be right. I mean, for an entire house? Seriously?" Apparently not.
This fall I did some canvassing for Obama in Las Vegas. And in the worst neighborhood you could possibly imagine--an arid, flat, chained up mongrels, surrounded by used car dealerships Appalachia kind of place--people would open the doors of their small, sadly shabby homes and inside would be...a 52" flat screen TV. Flat screen TVs in every house. Two, three thousand dollar TVs. Everywhere. People bought those TVs--poor people, people who were un-employed or under employed or barely employed, people with too many bills who lived paycheck to paycheck--with money they didn't have. Phantom money. Black slashes on a white computer screen.
If we get through this in any kind of intact--please, let's get through this--I just hope we can all remember: This is not a donkey.
But then: poof. Adios. Gonzo. A computer blip. Human error. Bank mistake. The having it, not the not having it. It was never mine to begin with. A fantasy. A chimera. A cruel joke.
And boom: I got an up close and personal experience with this, our second Great Depression. There was money. And then there wasn't.
That's pretty much it, right? The Dow is at 14,000+, then it's below 7,000. Where did it go? Citibank is worth 60something a share, then it's worth less than a biggie pack of Orbit White Bubblemint. Say what now? Investors have millions with Bernie Madoff and then they're paupers. Howzzat? And just like my 'phantom money' (that's what I call it; the phantom money) this is my belief: it was never there to begin with. We all acted like it was there, we felt cozy and comfortable like it was there, we spent like it was there, but it never was. The "money" we thought we "had" was just a bunch of black slashes on a white computer screen.
Look: Donkey. <-- That is not a real donkey. That is just some black slashes on a computer screen that looks like 'donkey' and makes you think 'donkey' but it is not actually a donkey.
Now, I'm a fantasist; I admit it. For the few days I (thought I) had that money, my life was swell. I exhaled. I actually felt a sense of calm descend, an unexpected smile curl the corners of my mouth. I even toasted with friends. I thought I was about to live a life (relatively) free of stress and worry and bizarre nightmares of becoming a crazy homeless woman living under the 405. I actually imagined...buying things. Books from the bookstore and not the 'used' section of Amazon. Getting a facial. A cloud of equanimity even settled over me, in place of my worst fears: if my computer continues chipping off little pieces of itself and finally there's nothing left but the F9 key, my life won't be over. The new 17inch environmentally friendly Mac will be mine.
But that's me. I make shit up for a (sporadic) living and I'm afraid of math. But can everyone in the country be fantasists? Can our entire economic system be an illusion? Can all those smart young best and brightest master of the universe Turk-types on Wall Street be delusional or liars--or both? Apparently, yes. We all believed. We believed in "Zero interest for one year!" on over-stuffed sectionals from LivingSpaces. We believed in "You've been pre-approved!". We believed in "No money down mortgages". No money down mortgages. Didn't anybody think, "Um...that...can't be right. I mean, for an entire house? Seriously?" Apparently not.
This fall I did some canvassing for Obama in Las Vegas. And in the worst neighborhood you could possibly imagine--an arid, flat, chained up mongrels, surrounded by used car dealerships Appalachia kind of place--people would open the doors of their small, sadly shabby homes and inside would be...a 52" flat screen TV. Flat screen TVs in every house. Two, three thousand dollar TVs. Everywhere. People bought those TVs--poor people, people who were un-employed or under employed or barely employed, people with too many bills who lived paycheck to paycheck--with money they didn't have. Phantom money. Black slashes on a white computer screen.
If we get through this in any kind of intact--please, let's get through this--I just hope we can all remember: This is not a donkey.
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