Sunday, June 13, 2010

Ben Wright Is -- A Bildungsroman in Status Updates

Ben Wright is born! Hellloooo world!

Ben Wright is what is this icky goo all over me? Bath, please? Thnxmuch.

Ben Wright is constantly crying. All. The. Time. Explain?

Ben Wright is boobs=yum. I mean for reals. Thnx Mom!

Ben Wright just threw up. Remind me to Never. Do. That. Again.

Ben Wright is finally focusing. Liked fuzzy blur better; way too much stuff around, much of it disgusting. (*coughs it* Grandpa's feet.)

Ben Wright is sitting in his own poop. Not as gross as you'd think!

Ben Wright is, holy cow, walking! And falling. Ouchies!

Ben Wright is shocked he made Mom cry just by saying, "Mom". Sweet.

Ben Wright is not liking this "little sister" person one bit.

Ben Wright is not admitting he just tried to "kill" little sister by piling all his stuffed animals on top of her. Please, she could breath just fine.

Ben Wright is thinking "first day of school" is code for "your life is over".

Ben Wright is Zach's blood brother, 4evah. (Duuude!)

Ben Wright is Miss Tompkins kind of looks like Mom, but curvier, shinier and smilier. I'm okay with it. Like...really okay.

Ben Wright is the shreddingest shredder ever. Love me, love my deck.

Ben Wright is selling three decks. Anyone? Cheap!

Ben Wright is PSAT stands for Piss Shit Ass Test.

Ben Wright is boobs=yum. (Thanks, Meliss...oops!)

Ben Wright is back on the market. Ladies?

Ben Wright is pissed to discover that his Dad is an asshole.

Ben Wright is looooving college! Safety school my ass!

Ben Wright is, yeah, just threw up. Again. Afraid I'm not going to die. (Thanks, Dad.) Gin+O.J. is the devil's drink.

Ben Wright is convinced James Joyce is God. "The snotgreen sea. The scrotumtightening sea." Yes; that.

Ben Wright is thinking ties are retarded. I mean, seriously. It's like a noose. A pretty, silky noose.

Ben Wright is floored to find out that Zach F. is in Dental School. How the Dude has fallen!

Ben Wright is a working stiff. (Yeah, I said "stiff"; boss is haaawwtt!)

Ben Wright is looking for work again. SUX.

Ben Wright is trying out the Left Coast. Just the way I hang. (Hah!)

Ben Wright is pretty sure he just met his wife. Next: figure out if her name is Susan or Suzanne.

Ben Wright is freaked the fuck OUT; it's CELIA. But oh...Celia. Yeah. Good chance we are done here.

Ben Wright is convinced that realtors are aliens sent here to torture us. C? Thoughts?

Ben Wright is Holy Shit; Question=Popped! Dad? Get out your handkerchief, Mom's gonna be weeping!

Ben Wright is Hammock in tropics+Delicious Cocktail+Wife (Wife!!)=Fucking Heaven.

Ben Wright is looking for someone to kill that bastard in HR. Oh, and that fuckface with the Saab who keeps parking in my spot.

Ben Wright is a Dad! WTF!?!?! Fucker is amazing! Stinky, but amazing!

Ben Wright is covered in milky upchuck and so fucking tired he might just...I...wait...Penny farthing...mayonnaise... What?

Ben Wright is amazed at how much shit is in the garage. Particularly since the CAR isn't in there.

Ben Wright is pretty sure his heart just broke in two. Lincoln+little lunchbox+Buzz Lightyear backpack+waving good bye from bus steps=seriously, just kill me now.

Ben Wright is finally aware of what it means to be 'wrapped around someone's little finger'. Her name is Francesca, she weighs 7 lbs., 4 oz. and she looks like she Knows Everything.

Ben Wright is looking for a good accountant. Anyone?

Ben Wright is pretty sure we don't need a house this big, but what the hell, it's only money!

Ben Wright is a little freaked out by the size of his monthly nut. When did we become these people?

Ben Wright is, yeah, we didn't need a house that big. Downsizing is good.

Ben Wright is an idiot. Downsizing sux balls.

Ben Wright is so fucking shocked by how expensive college is now he might just let these two ingrates fend for themselves.

Ben Wright is on his second million. Now if he could only find the first 1,823,761.

Ben Wright is thinking about his Dad. Every. Damn. Day. *Sigh*

Ben Wright is amazed to discover the love of his life. And her name is golf!

Ben Wright is promising his beloved C that he won't spend every Saturday on the links. (It's gotta rain sometime!)

Ben Wright is throwing out that AARP mailer; not yet people!

Ben Wright is thinking a certain son could call a little more often no matter how 'crazy-busy' he is. And a certain daughter is pretty fucking perfect, so the fact that she still doesn't have a serious boyfriend=vexing.

Ben Wright is convinced grand-children are the Greatest Thing Ever; cute, adoring AND returnable!

Ben Wright is doing a 180 on legalizing pot. Whatever, bring it on. Big Daddy needs a bong hit.

Ben Wright is delighted and amazed by how good his wife still looks. Day-um, woman! What're you still doing with this old geezer?

Ben Wright is confused about this Medicare "donut hole". Anyone? C? Mitch? Bueller?

Ben Wright is at Francesca and Wendy's wedding on the Cape. Bring on the G&Ts ladies! (And you both look stunning. I wasn't crying, I just got something in my eye, okay?)

Ben Wright is disturbed by the color and texture of his calves. What the hell is going on down there and why did no one prepare me for this?

Ben Wright is spending too much time at Costco. Yes, the rotisserie chicken is delicious and the gross quantities of Glucosamine and Chondroitin are great, but 'making a day of it' is just depressing.

Ben Wright is surprised by how much he enjoys a comfortable chair, an open window, some world music and a Patrick O'Brien novel. Weird.

Ben Wright is asking, "What?" a lot more than he'd like.

Ben Wright is sitting in his own poop. Just as gross as you'd...

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