Sunday, February 15, 2009

reinventing v-day

Q: Why is there a ridiculous, completely secular, purely commercial holiday to make us all feel bad about ourselves? For single people--even happy ones, for chrissake--the days leading up to this explosion of heart shaped trinkets and cheap, waxy chocolates is just a constant stream of unkosher salt being poured in our singleton wounds. Every store you walk into, every other cheesoid commercial. (Teddy bears dressed as 'love bandits'? Seriously?) Who really enjoys this crap? I have heard more people complain, dread and literally have to gird their loins for the onslaught of Valentine's Day than I have ever heard people admit even the tiniest shred of excitement about it. Frankly, couples don't fare much better; they either find the pressure intolerable or the whole thing just a giant, needlessly expensive, pain in the ass. Parents of small children get roped into making Valentines for every Ashley and Trevor in their kids' class. And the kids who get forgotten in the chaos turn into instant bitterinas. Which, while it will doubtless turn them into interesting adults with good stories to tell as emo singer songwriters or stand up comedians, ain't pretty on a five year old. (Believe me. I know.)

The only people who seem to enjoy this shitstorm are apparently newly dating 25 year old girls--the ones prone to bedrooms festooned with floral prints and closets filled with 'cute tops'. The ones whose boyfriends were busy yesterday buying red roses (the originality could make your head explode!) at the Ralph's. Red roses. From the Ralph's. Wow. What a keeper!

How big could this group possibly be? And why the hell do they need their own holiday? Could we also have a holiday for bald-headed tax attorneys or lesbian grandmothers? A holiday I could really get behind? (Well, the second one anyway...) Isn't this whole thing just a giant waste of money? Particularly in its current state of bloat? (Side bar: Why does every 'holiday' in America now last at least a month? Halloween bleeds right into Thanksgiving, which bleeds right into Christmas, which bleeds right into New Years' and on and on. It's like we're in a perpetual state of Buy Stupid Crap You Don't Need.) With the current state of our economy I know people are supposed to try to keep spending, but wouldn't it be better if we bought things like, oh, food and clothing? (Foil wrapped chocolate hearts and pink panties don't count.)

Okay. I've complained enough. It's over. And the fact is, I had a fabulous Valentine's Day, with amazing friends eating a terrific dinner, drinking fine wine and topping it off with decadent cupcakes. But of course, luckily, I can do that anytime I want. Without the red foil and chubby winged babies.

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